We Say

By  Jennifer Lynne Conover

 

We say

Heinous.  Evil. Monster.

Cruel, Sick, Coward.

Burn in hell.

 

We say

Guns did this.

Crazy man did this.

Satan did this.

And even,

Did God do this?

 

We say

Why doesn’t somebody do something about this?

We should do something to stop this.

Pray those poor families will get through this.

I wish I could just forget this.

And move on.

 

We say

I don’t know how to answer.

I don’t have an answer.

There is no answer.

 

What we say

Is why evil flourishes

Is why this doesn’t stop

Is why there is no hope.

 

Look in the mirror.

What do you say

To the image of self

Reflected there

What do you see

Surely nothing so heinous

Nothing so evil

As “that boy”

 

We say

I try really hard to be good

I wouldn’t dream of doing that

If only everyone else were just like me.

 

What about

 That little white lie?

That unkind word?

That slight of someone ” beneath” you?

That time you walked away?

That jealousy?

That little something you took?

 

What about

That utter selfishness?

That vice that demands your allegiance?

That hatred for that really bad person?

 

Who me?

Well everyone makes mistakes.

I don’t do all of these.

My sin is small.

I am NOT like THAT BOY!

 

My heart is not so very black

And dark

And mean

And ugly.

Just a shade of grey.

Easy to clean.

Common.

Nothing too terrible.

Really.

 

Really?

 

Why don’t we say

I’m so sorry,

Adam.

No one should

Burn in hell.

Forever.

Without God.

Isn’t that what Jesus thought?

He gave us the chance

To choose to be

With Him

Forever.

Did anyone tell Adam?

Did anyone give him the chance?

 

Maybe they did.

Maybe they told him.

Maybe he chose this path.

But God is not glad he did.

 

As Jesus welcomed

The sweet children into his arms

Did he,

Maybe,

Shed a tear

Just for Adam?

 

Then He whispered

To my heart

Will you weep with me

For Adam

Who I created?

This is not what I wanted for him.

Not ever.

 

Then He whispered

To my heart

What about “Adam”

Down the street

If you meet him

Will you be my hands

And feet?

Will you love him?

Will you pray for him?

Will you be like me?

 

You see, this poem is not really about “we”

It is about me

For I can’t make you do what is right

But for myself

I must take account

Look inside

Surrender it all

 

My heart IS black

But someone told me

About Jesus

Making hearts as white as can be.

 

So wash me

Dear Jesus

Help me

Share the freedom

You have given to me.

Love You

By loving them.

 

Then I can say

I did something.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My First Blog Ever...

Here I sit trying to put into words all the thoughts that come to mind that I'd like to share with others. I see so many things around me: hurting people, changing values, ever advancing technology...there is much to contemplate! My goal with this blog will not just be voicing my ever so important opinion about things, but to make people think about things and to offer bits of good and encouraging news and information. I hope to leave a positive imprint on the world, this blog being just one of many ways to do so...

Life certainly hasn't turned out as I had ever hoped or expected. I'm sure that's the rule, rather than the exception, for most people. You don't often hear "Yeah this is exactly what I thought I'd be doing with my life!" I'm actually glad for that. It is much more interesting to be surprised!

As a child, I dreamed of becoming many things. But there was nothing so important to me as finding my "knight in shining armor" and marrying him. In 2002, I was turning 30 with no prospects in sight. I began to really believe that "Spinsterhood" was my destiny. Certainly not what I had hoped and dreamed of. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick..." (Proverbs 13:12a) I certainly found that to be true. Unfortunately, I got a bit carried away with my "sickness" and let it run my life. Every thought, word and action reflected my malady in some way. I was pretty pitiful. I wondered why I had such a strong desire to marry when NO ONE was even interested in talking to me! It seemed, at times, like a very cruel joke.

Over the next two years I struggled to find what possible purpose my life might have as an unmarried woman. I had heard all of the trite encouragements: "celebrate your singleness", "view it as a blessing", "make the most of all this time you have"...not a one brought any comfort. I viewed my self as a victim of circumstance, and wallowed in misery and self-pity. I was my own worst enemy. The more miserable I allowed myself to be, the less and less attractive I became. I refused to be comforted, thus bringing more and more suffering upon myself. It was no wonder men were running away from me!

Looking back, I am simply amazed that God didn't give up on me. I sure would have. Even when I blamed Him for my misery, He loved me and waited for me to realize that HE was the Knight in Shining Armor that I had always longed for. No human male could live up to the image I had concocted in my mind as an ideal mate. God had to remove all hope from me to get my attention. Why I had always viewed my personal value in terms of being attractive to the opposite sex, I have no idea.

Finally, FINALLY, I sat down one night and just said "I GIVE UP!" followed by hours of cleansing tears. I had told God before that I would accept a life of singleness if that is what He wanted, but I hadn't really let go of that hope of marrying. This time, I knew I really had to let go if I wanted to have any quality of life.

Now you may think after such an epiphany that I jumped out of bed the next morning with a smile on my face and a spring in my step...not so much! It was more like I was preparing to attend a funeral. But there was something different. I had a glimmer of desire to care about something other than myself. To find value elsewhere. To explore the possibility that the love of my family, friends and God Himself would be enough. That relaxing and enjoying the simple things was good and desirable. That doing things for other people would be just as rewarding as being loved by a man or having a child.

Every day proved to be a challenge. I still wanted to focus on ME ME ME! But it was a beginning of a change. A new phase of my earthly journey. I began to see God not just as a righteous judge, but as a loving Father. The perfect Father. The perfect "husband". The perfect "Knight in Shining Armor" who wanted to care for my every need and rescue me from all evil-especially myself!

Obviously, God saw fit to bless me with a husband. In 2004, with a bit of help from an internet dating site, I met my Leon. That's another story for another time. : ) My romance with my husband is very precious to me, but more important still is my "romance" with my King of Kings, who knows and loves me more than I can even imagine. The last part of Proverbs 13:12 says "but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." My tree of life came to me not on my wedding day, but on the day I gave up and let God be the love of my life. If I had not given up all hope, I may have someday gotten married (to some poor desperate soul) but I would never have had my longing fulfilled.

LOVE (GOD) NEVER, EVER FAILS! I Corinthians 13:8